The Relationship between Your 7 Year Old Child and Her Teacher

A certain amount of competition and rivalry between home and school and between parents and teachers has already been mentioned in many books. This can be a source of conflict and tension, especially for the child who is caught in a battle between these two most important areas in his life. At the same time parents want the relationship between their child and the teacher to be good and positive. They recognize how important this is in their child's progress at school. And they are right.

In order to understand the nature of this relationship better it might be useful to recall your own early days at school. It is likely that amongst those recollections some of the most vivid will be around the teachers you had. Do you remember the teacher who made you feel secure, who kept the whole class busy and under control?The one who used sarcasm when you did something wrong, who kept order but nobody liked very much? Or the one where everybody played up and you didn't learn much; it seemed like a bit of fun, but it was a relief when another teacher took over?

Although many things may have changed at school since your days there, most of the feelings involved will have stayed the same. No doubt many children will become adults who look back and remember the teacher whose approval made all the difference to their life at school or to the subject they loved.

In a strange situation, amongst unfamiliar children, uncertain and therefore a bit lost, it must be immensely reassuring to find an adult who takes control and offers you interesting things to do. When this new adult then appears to be reliably there every day, knows who you are, calls you by name and seems to care what happens, we can see how the beginnings of a new attachment to an adult are made.

The special authority that the teacher has is emphasized by the fact that they are in charge of a whole class .The teacher is also helped by the increasing social understanding and ability to accept a more formal way of learning of the children themselves.

Throughout the junior school years the teachers continue to have a kind of caring and looking after role, but their main purpose is in their teaching and in the children's achievement. Their central aim is distinct from a mothering one, but much discomfort arises from confusion between these two roles.

In these first years at school attachments to teachers can be especially strong. Having to move on to a new teacher, leaving behind one that was very much liked, is reflected in a common worry for parents. For Shirley it felt quite devastating. Her mother was bringing up Shirley and her younger brother single-handed. She was working part-time and therefore greatly relieved when Shirley went off happily to school and was proud of her independent little daughter.

Shirley became very fond of one of her teachers in particular, a warm, motherly person, with whom she kept contact all the time she was in the infants' school. At seven, she moved from the infants to the junior school, with a new, rather stern headmistress, as well as a new class teacher who expected more conformity.

Shirley became withdrawn and unhappy, and stopped talking about school when she came home. One day, however, her mother overheard her talking to her teddy bear, harsh and angry with this much loved toy. Her mother sympathized with the poor teddy bear and picked it up gently. Suddenly all Shirley's feelings of unhappiness about school came flooding out. As anger turned to tears mother gave her daughter a hug, and it seemed from that moment that Shirley felt she was given permission to take her worries home again.

Her mother realized, with regret, just how much of a shock the transfer had been for Shirley. Although she had been aware that the new school was quite a big change she had been confident that Shirley liked school and would soon settle down again. The infants' school teacher had felt aware of Shirley's wish for mothering, but had allowed this to become a rather too dependant relationship, and had not been able to help her to let go.

There are other aspects of the earlier relationship to parents that can get transferred to teachers. Most small children have an idea of their parents as knowing everything, of being very powerful. This can only too readily be transferred to teachers, who are specifically supposed to pass on knowledge and learning. But the good teacher wants to do something else, which is to help the children to think for themselves, to be curious, to try to work things out and find answers, and to use their skills in creative ways.

This is not necessarily helped by the kind of teacher who always knows everything and cannot leave space for the children to find out. A good preparation will also have been made by parents who themselves have allowed a child room to think and explore, and been willing to accept their own limitations Then their children have a model of someone they respect who does not have to be all-powerful, someone they can trust to answer their questions truthfully and reliably.

Teachers do make extraordinary attempts to be all things to all children. Keith's teacher allowed him to lean against her while they looked at his reading book together, and he found her comforting when he was upset. The same teacher, when she had Robin, was challenging in a rather jokey way. Other children have different personalities, shy children who need encouragement to build their confidence, quick children who want constant stimulation, slower children who need time. Teachers have their own personalities too and take more readily to some styles than others. In a way it is remarkable that most children do settle down with the teacher they have, and do get on with the job of learning.